Elves, Demons and Zombies, oh my!
by poxelda
Summary: Long one-shot fluff with gratuitous hurt/comfort. Still with bad language, no violence.


"This is stupid." Jack grumbled as he threw a stick into the small fire. He glanced around him searching the forest for any movement. Occasionally, a glint of golden eyes or rustle of leaves would make the five huddle closer. Jack worked his hand over the familiar checked handle of the Beretta. The back of his neck twitched.

"So you keep saying," Riley groused, "what do you want to do? Another rousing round of I-Spy?" Jack shot her a glare. She batted her eyelashes. Mac snorted then curled on his side moaning. Jack put a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"Mac?"

" 'm, 'k." Mac managed, his voice little more than a pained rasp. The others shared a worried look. The small Beechcraft had crashed directly outside Mac's seat. It had taken the rest of the team the better part of the day to work the blonde out. Mac was hurt. They weren't sure how serious his wounds were, but they knew it was bad. Mac's stomach was round and bloated from pooling blood. His shoulder hung at the wrong angle, blood poured from his head, and his right hip tilted in instead of out.

They had no idea where they were. The transponder was still transmitting, bt they had no idea how long it would take Matty to find them. The team didn't dare stray far from the plane. They were also trying desperately to keep Mac awake.

"We could talk about how this is all your fault." Leanna said pulling the emergency blanket tighter around Mac. Jack glared at her.

"It wasn't my fault and I was just starting to like you." Leanna smiled sweetly.

"Who didn't tie down the statue?"

"Who's going to be explaining to Matty how the 5,000 year old priceless China set we rescued from being sold to fund a terrorist organization's nuclear program got broken."

"That isn't my fault!" Jack growled. Mac snorted then moaned again. The others smiled at each other. It might be painful, but if Mac was laughing he was awake.

"We'll just agree to disagree-"

"It's not."

"Whatever, Jack."

"It wasn't, Riley, I wasn't the one who was supposed to tie down the crates now, was I?"

"Who was the one who flew too low, Jack?"

"That's not fair! I had-" Mac moaned. He reached out and grabbed Jack's T-Shirt. His eyes gleamed like flickering blue diamonds in the firelight. He ducked his head, breathing fast. Jack rubbed Mac's back until the blonde's breathing steadied. Mac's eyes sank low. Jack shook him awake and looked at Bozer.

"Go ahead, Boze. We'll play this fat bird thingy."  
"Round robin, Jack."

"Whatever, get to it." Bozer met Jack's worried look and nodded. He leaned forward and rubbed his hands together.

"Ok, once upon a time-"

"Once upon a time?"

"What? It's how the stories start."

"If they're fairy tales."

"Ok, fine...A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away-" Riley rolled her eyes, but didn't interrupt. Bozer shared a quick grin with Jack, "There was a beautiful, elegant, amazing, badass princess named Leanne." Riley rolled her eyes. Jack shook his head. Leanna grinned squeezing Bozer's hand.

"No, no, no." Jack said making a cutting sound with his hands, "Look it's super cute you two crazy kids love each other-"

"Super annoying." Riley added. Jack smiled.

"But we want to keep Mac from passing out, not make him nauseous. We need action, man. Fights-"

"You'll be able to add that when it's your turn, Jack." Bozer shot back. Leanna smiled.

"It think it's sweet."

"Duh." Riley said smiling to take the sting out of her words. Mac tugged on Jack's sleeve.

"What is it, kiddo?"

"S..sit up." Mac mumbled. Jack frowned.

"I don't think that's a good-" Mac curled forward and cried out as he coughed thick red blood sprayed down his chin, "Crap, ok, hold on. Give me a hand, Boze." Mac bit his lip to keep from screaming as his two friends moved him as gently as they could. Mac slumped against Jack breathing hard. His eyes closed and his head dipped. Bozer wrapped the silver blanket around their friend.

"Here." Riley handed over a damp rag she'd torn from her jacket. Jack gently wiped Mac's face. Slowly Mac raised his head. He managed a blood-tinged weak smile at Bozer.

"P...princess Le...na?" Bozer grinned. Jack tucked Mac's head back against his shoulder and automatically rubbed the kid's back until he heard Mac hiss in pain. He nodded at Bozer.

"Princess Leanna lived in a tall suite in the penthouse of the Nakatomi Plaza."

"Yes!" Jack hissed grinning. Bozer grinned back.

"She had never been outside because her evil stepmother planned to sacrifice her to Matty, the evil Queen of Heaven."

"Bozer!" The other four hissed in alarm.

"What? She's not here, she won't know."

"Boze, she always knows."  
"Always." Bozer gulped looking around him.

"Wh...y e...vl?" Mac murmured.

"It isn't her fault," Bozer said frowning, "She was under a spell...an evil spell put on her by an evil Demon who always wore black-" Jack narrowed his eyes. Bozer gulped, "Murdoc, the slimy." Jack leaned back and nodded satisfied.

"Evil Matty had made a contract with an Elvin Mogul. She would be free from the spell and able to love again if she gave her beloved, brilliant daughter to him for marriage-"

"Bozer!" Leanna cried horrified. Bozer shrank under his love's brown eyed stare.

"That's messed up, dude." Jack said nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Ew." Riley agreed.

"Sorry, I was under pressure and-"

"It's fine, baby," Leanna said. The knife in her voice cut through the heat with a frozen edge, "I think we've been spending too much time together-"

"You ain't getting none for awhile, bro." Jack translated. Boze's mouth fell open.

"Leanna-"

" 's Ril...ey's tu...rn." Mac gasped. Boze shot Mac a grateful glance. Mac's mouth quirked up in one edge.

"Fine. So...um, Leanna's brave father, Jack, refused to let his baby girl down."

"Damn right." Jack said his eyes glinting with a softness he reserved for Riley. Riley looked down, but her smile didn't diminish.

"He sent out a kingdom-wide message asking for help from all the land's heros-"

"Not that I'd need them."

"Of course not, Jack," Riley smiled at Mac whose eyes were twin pools of agony and fatigue. He managed a weak nod, "The first one who answered was the clever elven prince, Mac."

"Totally seeing Legolas." Leanna said.

"You're right, babe." Bozer said trying to move closer to his girl. Her low growl backed him up. Bozer's shoulders slumped.

"Mac had a magic wand of silver and red capable of many clever things. He set out across the foreboding forest."

"Damn girl, this is getting good." Jack said leaning forward.

"He stopped for an ale at an unsavory pub called The Phoenix. There he met an incorrigible thief about to lose her hand."

"I'm guessing her name is Riley?" Leanna said.

"Of course. Mac was an elf of pure heart and couldn't bear to see anyone maimed in such a way so he threw a thick glass of ale across the room and cut the thief free. They escaped in the crowd and were fast friends since then." Mac's smile dimmed and his head dropped forward. Jack swabbed his face with the rag and patted the blonde's cheek. Mac forced his head upright.

"You still with us, Mac?" Leanna asked brushing hair away from Mac's wet forehead. He nodded then looked at Riley.

"F...riends?" He prompted. Riley let out a relieved breath.

"Best friends. They answered the King's summons, along the way they met a hideous Orc…" Riley shared a mischievous smile with Leanna. Leanna glared at Bozer then picked up the story.

"Named, Bozer." Mac snorted and hissed in pain as he bobbed forward with a weak cough. Jack swabbed away the blood.

"Oh, hell." Bozer whispered.

"Bozer had been Murdoc's most loyal subject kissing his ass as he worked in the stables savoring the privilege of scooping shit-"

"Whoa, easy girl. There are animals listening." Jack murmured in the surprised silence. Leanna pushed a long lock of hair back looking at the others with embarrassment.

"But Bozer had fallen into a cupid fountain. It washed off the muck and slime. He could see how evil and twisted Murdoc truly was. He turned and fled into the city. When he stopped to get a Frappuccino with whipped cream and extra caramel-"

"Ugh." Riley shared an exasperated look with Jack.

"He saw a flyer on the cafe's wall and instantly fell head over heels in love with Princess Leanna."

"He sure did." Bozer added.

"Jeeze, enough already." Riley said, "I'm going to have to shower for a year to get all that sap out of my ears."  
"I'm with Riley." Mac chuckled, breaking off with a soft moan. His eyes closed as he fought to catch his breath.

"Mac, you hanging in there?" Jack asked tilting Mac's head back and brushing his hair with his palm, checking his temp in the same move. Mac jolted awake and leaned his head forward. He nodded. Looking at Leanna, he shifted his eyes to Bozer. Leanna nodded.

"Bozer cleaned up ok, he wasn't totally repulsive."

"Babe!"

"You married me off to Murdoc!"

"We're gonna save you!" Jack cleared his throat. Boze leaned back with a huff.

"Ok, fine. I cleaned up."

"He only had enough money for a bus ride to the magical Nakatomi Plaza. Inside this humble chariot, Bozer met the fair elven prince Mac and the feisty kind-hearted thief, Riley. Despite Mac's noble protests, Riley threatened Bozer's life until he shared his perfect frappuccino. They found themselves riding the magical ribbon of sugar through the walls of the bus and past the buildings of the vast city. They were transported to the outskirts of Nakatomi plaza."

"You sure you didn't drink something sugary, babe? That was trippy."

"I hate long fantasy travelogues- over mountains, deserts and forests- they're boring." Leanna replied. Bozer shook his head, "Mind-controlled evil Matty knew of her King's frantic message. She locked him into the dungeon and made preparations to trap the mighty heroes as they came to enter into the fallen kingdom." Jack sighed glumly.

"It's always dungeons, isn't it? Even in real life." Mac snorted and held his belly. They could see the fight it took for him to stay awake.

"I'll take over, Leanna." Jack said.

"I wasn't done!"

"It's time for some action, and no one does action better than I do." Riley rolled her eyes.

"Ok, Jack...go ahead."

Jack leaned Mac's head against his shoulder. Mac's eyes sagged, but didn't close.

"While the king cooled his heels in jail, the three kids-"

"Kids!" Leanna, Bozer and Riley exclaimed. Jack smiled but continued as if they hadn't spoken.

"The three innocent unworldly kids were surrounded by thousands of flesh hungry zombies-"

"What?"

"You can't have zombies, man. That's just-"

"Weird." Leanna finished. Boze gazed at her doe-eyed.

"I was gonna say wrong, but yeah weird."

"Did I complain when you two love birds sucked down a frappe?"

"Yes."

"Too bad. If you don't shut up, you'll end up hamburgers for the zombies." Jack glared them into silence. He nodded, "They were scared, but brave. Riley, the amazing thief, had stolen a magic note...uh...book, a magic notebook-"

"Ugh, even in your stories you have to have bad puns!"

"She flipped it open and bippity-bopped their way into the castle."

"What? That's not a good story." Bozer complained. Jack shrugged.

"I'm with Leanna, I hate story transitions."

"Fair point."  
"Ok, so clever prince Mac wonders through the darkest stone maze drawn by the sheer magnetism of his secret brother, the brave, noble-"

"Windy."

"King Jack. Mac raised his swiss army wand and freed the King in seconds. The king stopped by the gun room and gathered the equipment he'd need to make the zombies in to bloody goop-"

"Ew, that's nasty, Jack."

"They're dead and half-rotten, Riley. What do you think they drop and bloom into flowers?"

"That'd be cooler." Leanna added.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, besides how much goop can be left after you blow them away with an M5?"

"Nah, girl, I was going to use a Flak 88mm!" Jack's eyes gleamed in the fire.

"What? Why don't you just put a Gustav on a tank!" Leanna said. Jack grinned at her.

"I like your style. The king and prince Mac slipped out of the castle to the garage. Alongside the perfectly mint Vettes and classic Fords there was a row of ATV's ready to roll over those zombie turds, gleaming Gustavs on every one. The zombies didn't know what hit them. Their heads exploded, guts and brains flying everywhere, the motherfu-"

"Jack!" Bozer chided. Jack paused.

"What? It's not like we're kids, Bozer?"

"No, not that." Bozer waved at Mac whose face was scrunched in pain. Jack grimaced realizing he'd jarred his partner with his enthusiasm.

"Sorry, kiddo." Mac hissed in a shaky breath.

" 'k." His voice was even weaker. The others shared a worried look. Mac forced his head up and saw it, "Z...om...bies?"

"Right, anyway, the king churned through the undead slime balls then met up with Riley and Bozer. They looked up at the tall tower looming above them only one thought on their minds-"

"How to get in?"

"How to rescue the beautiful, stunning, breathtaking-"

"Bozer! Go ahead, Jack."

"Only one question they all desperately needed to be answered, "Jack met each of their eyes."

"Well?"

"Get on with it, Jack."

"That was a dramatic pause, Riley."

"This is supposed to keep us awake, Jack. Not put us asleep." Jack automatically brushed Mac's hair back from his face.

"One question, what would John McClane do?"

"Aw man, Jack."

"Really?" The others stopped protesting when they saw the amused smile on Mac's face. Jack's eyes shone with victory.

"Go ahead, Jack."

"Brave King Jack consulted the Mighty DVD of Oscar-worthy Lore. In it he saw the heroic trials of the Holy Bruce Willis, and knew how to destroy the slimy Murdoc son of a bitch. First he had to break the asshole's hold over the sturdy Queen Matty-"

"Sturdy?"

"Were they married?" Leanna asked. Jack glared at her.

"But could he do it before Princess Leanna's long night in the passionate embrace of her soon-to-be husband, Murdoc."

"Oh, Jack that's so-" Riley trailed off as she couldn't come up with the words. Leanna blanched and reached out to hold Bozer's hand. Bozer preened with a giant toothy grin.

"Go ahead Jack, the unmarried, good friend of Jack-"

"Had to be pried out of Murdoc's wormy claws. King Jack came upon the tiny group of ki-heros bravely fighting off the endless horde of zombies. He dove in with a KBAR slashing in one hand and a Barrett sniper rifle-"

"Named Bertha." Riley said chuckling. Her and Jack shared a fond glance.

"Named Bertha, in his other hand. He cleared a path like a lawn mower through dandelions headed right up to the front door. Mac magicked us inside. King Jack kept the hoards back as Riley used her magic notebook to open the doors to the tower holding princess Leanna." Jack stopped. Blood dribbled from Mac's mouth his eyes were becoming less focused. Jack gently shook his brother until Mac blinked his eyes a little more alert. Jack wiped Mac's face and glanced up at the few stars that broke the jungle canopy above them.

"Queen Matty better get her ass in gear." Jack growled. There was a long pause filled only with the creeping of living things around them.

"I-I'll take Mac's turn."

"Go ahead, Boze."

"They had finally arrived at the princess's prison door. Evil Matty barred the way dressed as a barbarian Queen complete with a horned helmet. She'd become Matty the-"

"Don't do it, Boze." Jack warned.

"What she won't know!"

"Boze, she always knows." Riley said. Bozer's worried eyes met theirs then scanned the darkness. He cleared his throat.

"Ugm...only backward ignorant people ever called the mighty Queen that, of course...the heros faced this tiny but powerful creature, their hearts pounding, their flesh sweating. They thought 'this is it' do or die time. King Jack made the first move swiping right and left with a giant ax…"

"Ax? Where'd my Beretta go?"

"You never said you had one."

"I never said I had an ax either."

"Anyway...he and Matty danced round and round-striking, parrying, stabbing, slicing. Sweat flew and blood ran as they fought. In the end, it was a draw. Both slumped to the ground exhausted. Mac waved his magic red wand and freed Matty from the hellish curse.

"Behind the hero's came a savage roar-"

"There you are!" The team screamed and the three younger agents jumped to their feet. Jack aimed the Beretta and pulled Mac closer. Matty stepped into the firelight and eyed each one of them. She waved at moving shadows around them.

"Matty?"

"How'd you get here?"

"Where's the medics?"

"Oh my god, they're right, you know!" Matty held up a hand stopping the cacophony.

"I've been searching with Alpha team. We were able to hone in on you by using sound differential technology-don't ask me, it's something blondie came up with." Matty knelt in front of Mac. She smiled and brushed back his blood stained hair. Mac managed a small smile then closed his eyes. He had no more fight.

"Medic! Over here, now!"

"Matty! I am so-" Matty smiled at Jack.

"I know, Jack. He's going to be alright." Jack cleared his throat and looked away as he was surrounded by black clad figures. His heart shattered as he gently lowered Mac's limp body to the ground. Jack grunted as he staggered out of the medic's way.

The next morning the team sat sprawled around Mac's ICU room in various stages of wakefulness. Jack winced as he sipped the bitterness of the gruel they called coffee. He paced his eyes roaming constantly from the numbers on the beeping machines, to the tubes draining blood and other fluids, then settling on Mac's bleached and bruised skin. Jack stretched and glanced at his watch.

It had taken a stressful 18 hours to get to the private hospital Matty had commandeered. Mac looked more dead than alive when they wheeled him into surgery. The blood stores of most of Columbia as well as more than two pints from Jack had been pumped into the blonde. You couldn't tell it by looking at him.

Jack had slept for the better part of an entire day recuperating from his blood donations. Mac had still been in surgery when Jack returned to the hospital.

Jack rubbed his stubbled chin. How many times had he sat at his kid's bedside. Jack sank back into his chair and took Mac's limp hand. Too damn many, he answered.

"You gotta wake up, kiddo. You gotta." Jack whispered. Mac didn't move-not even an eyelash.

"It's only been part of a day." Matty said at Jack's elbow. Jack winced at the coffee jolted into his lap. He shot Matty a sour look.

"Dammit, Matty! Why do you always have to do that?"

"It's part of my mystique." Matty said batting her eyes. Jack shook his head and took another sip of the terrible coffee, "Hear anything from the doctors?"

"It's a waiting game now." Matty said bending over and kissing Mac's forehead. She straightened the bedding around the unmoving man.

"Anything on the terrorists?" Leanna asked around a yawn. Jack turned. All of the team members were awake. Bleary-eyed but awake.

"They were captured at the border. They were probably in jail by the time you crashed."

"Landed."

"Landed, Jack?" Riley said partly annoyed and partly amused. Jack shrugged and set the empty coffee cup on the bedside table.

"We walked away didn't we?"

"And had quite the adventure after that, I hear." The others looked at her confused. Matty climbed onto the corner of Mac's bed.

"Audio differential." Riley said smiling.

"What?" Jack asked confusion wrinkling his brow.

"She heard the whole thing." Leanna said her eyes wide circles.

"She did know...you know-"

"Of course, Bozer, I always know."

"Matty, let me explain-" Matty waved Bozer's stuttering nervousness away.

"It's ok, Bozer. Besides, it's my turn." The others gaped at the diminutive woman. Matty leaned back and patted Mac's leg.

"Well, I am the Queen Barbarian, right?"

"When I said Barbarian I really meant brave Celtic Warrior-Goddess-"

"Shut it, Bozer. It's my turn."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"And by the way, me and Jack fighting? Never a draw." Bozer glanced at Jack who smiled and leaned on his knees, "Now let's see...Matty, freed from the slithery Murdoc roused the heros. They attacked the door one by one but couldn't break through the magic spell. None of them could crack it. All around them there were echoes of sinister laughter. Murdoc believed he'd emerged victorious and the clock of doom had reached its end for our valiant band."  
"Clock of doom?"

"Valiant?" Matty silenced them with a single glare.

"Sorry, Matty."

"Yeah, sorry."

"But they had forgotten one thing…" The others leaned in. Matty smiled.

"The four heroes had been summoned by fate from the four corners of the magic land. They were mighty in their own right, but together? Together they were unstoppable. Riley opened her notebook, King Jack swung his giant ax-"

"Damn right."

"-and Bozer…" Matty frowned at Bozer, "Bozer led the cheers behind them."

"Cheerleader? I'm a cheerleader?"

"It's ok, babe." Leanna leaned forward gave Bozer an intimate look. He grinned back stupidly.

"I'm fine- motivational yeller it is." Matty rolled her eyes. She turned to the unconscious Mac, her face tinged with sadness.

"All of them were united by the golden-hearted, brave and clever elf Prince Mac." The room was silent a long minute each lost in their own thoughts, worries and love for Mac. Matty smiled rubbing her eyes.

"Mac used his magic red wand and made their combined powers into a bright spear of light. They crashed through the door and rescued the fair damsel Leanna."

"And Murdoc?" Jack growled. Matty met his eye and they shared equally cruel and cold smiles.

"Murdoc paid for his crimes-painfully and completely for the rest of his miserable existence."

"Amen." Jack said leaning back.

"Now that's the way to end a story." The others murmured their agreement. Their thoughtful quiet was broken by a rustle from the bed. The entire team jumped to Mac's bed and circled him. Mac's eyes moved under his lids. Jack crouched beside him and petted the kid's hair back.

"Hey, kiddo? You waking up now? You missed the ending of the story." Mac's eyes slowly opened. His face scrunched in pain and he reached out a hand to removed the oxygen piped into his nose. Bozer caught his hand and squeezed. Mac slowly turned to look at him. One by one Mac's eyes circled the ring around him. He managed a weak smile when he reached Jack.

"We...live…"

"Of course, brother, when was there ever a doubt?" Mac smiled. His eyes dipped. Sheer stubbornness held them open. He frowned and shifted in bed gasping in pain.

"Mac, what's wrong? Do you need the nurse?" Jack asked. Mac shook his head. His brow wrinkled.

"Had...the weirdest dream...you all...there...Murdoc...Die Hard...zombies?" Mac shot the others a confused look. They grinned at each other.

"It's a long story, kiddo."

"One we'll tell you after you get rest." Mac's cheek twitched, but he was too tired to manage a smile. He blinked then tipped off the edge into sleep.

"And they lived happily ever after…"

"The end."

"Good job, guys." Matty said beaming at the others.

"Thanks, boss."


End file.
